The Bride Wore Black

And other details about my non-traditional wedding

When I was about seven or eight years old, my mom bought my younger sister and I fake wedding veils and faux flower bouquets. They hung in the closet of our shared bedroom in my family’s summer home, and on rainy days, playing “bride” was a regular activity.

For nearly the next two decades, I had a very narrow vision of what my future wedding would look like: a long white gown, a church ceremony, and a guest list full of family. But the older I got, the more a traditional wedding made no sense to me. I was unlearning a lot of the things I grew up believing and I had stopped speaking to my parents. Getting married without them being a part of it didn’t seem like an option that would ever be accepted by anyone.

My wedding last June was, thankfully, nothing like what I imagined growing up. I wore black, not a single blood relative of mine was in attendance, there were no bachelor or bachelorette trips, and I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Throughout the entirety of my relationship with my husband we have always done things differently, starting with the fact that I asked him to move in with me after only knowing each other for six days.

I knew my husband was going to propose months before he actually did because not only did I pick out my ring, but getting married was a decision we made together. And a proposal was something he asked me if I wanted, after we had made that decision. We split the cost of both of my rings, as well his wedding band, which he started wearing shortly after we got engaged, the decision to get married represented on both of our hands at the same time.

When planning a wedding, a lot of people approach it as a day to do things entirely different than their everyday life. My husband and I did the opposite. Our wedding day intentionally felt very similar to a normal day in our lives in San Francisco, just one that began with a wedding ceremony and included a photographer following us around.

While attempting to gather inspiration for the wedding, I came across a publication that claimed to spotlight “anti-brides.” Yet every single wedding story they published featured someone wearing a white dress. In all of the pinterest boards, in all of the photo galleries, in all of the bridal collections, I never once saw myself or the wedding I wanted. I wanted a reflection of who I am and the true partnership between my husband and I, something timeless, that wasn’t driven by trends, that didn’t force moments for the sake of content.

I wanted to show up to my wedding exactly the same way that I show up every day of my relationship. That meant not altering any part of me for the sole purpose of looking a certain way on that singular day. There was no “12-month bridal skin prep” or a “bridal arms workout” routine. I wore my hair and makeup the same way I do every day. I kept my nails as bare as they always are. I didn’t get any injections or spray tans. I didn’t do anything other than be myself.

The Outfits

Finding something to wear was genuinely the only stressful part of planning the wedding. I gave myself an “unlimited” budget and yet it was almost impossible to find an outfit that I actually liked, and that actually fit properly.

When you say you’re getting married, people will immediately conjure a very specific image, and I don’t blame them. But that image is the antithesis of who and what I wanted to be on my wedding day. Bridal collections only ever include white or off-white clothing & accessories, and while I understand why, it only made it that much harder to find the right outfit. I even reached out to a stylist, in hopes that they would be able to help guide me in the right direction. Instead, the suggestions they sent were the complete opposite of what I was looking for. And if I’m being honest, the assumptions made about me and the wedding I was planning were more upsetting than the fact that most brands didn’t even make clothes that would fit my body in the first place.

My two biggest priorities were 1) looking and feeling exactly like myself and 2) purchasing items, both for the outfit and the accessories, that I would genuinely wear again. I almost always wear all black, a daily uniform of baggy pants and a vintage crewneck or t-shirt that suits both my body type and gender expression. I knew that if I veered too far outside of my everyday wardrobe that I would just feel like I was wearing a costume. And I absolutely did not want to wear a suit.

In an ideal world I would have worn something vintage. And I really tried. Whether it was shopping online or in person, either for vintage or something new, I was constantly bombarded with clothing made for much smaller and much more feminine bodies. I cried in so many dressing rooms, attempting to squeeze myself into clothes I didn’t even have the chance to truly evaluate the style of because they didn’t even remotely fit right.

In the end, on the last day of a very emotional and frustrating shopping trip to New York, I walked into the Aligne pop-up in SoHo. I tried on practically every black set they had and ultimately purchased a ponte blazer and barrel pant set, both of which were incredibly soft and comfortable, and most importantly, still made me feel like myself. The set cost less than $300 thanks to a first-time customer discount.

My husband and I wore matching penny loafers, his in black and mine in espresso. The shoes ended up working so perfectly with both of our outfits, and because we did all of our outfit shopping and planning together, and because we didn’t bother with any kind of outfit reveal on our wedding day, we couldn’t resist the chance to match.

The Ceremony

We were married on a Thursday afternoon by a retired judge named George Lucas, surrounded by my mother-in-law and five of our closest friends, in a civil marriage ceremony in the Rotunda of San Francisco City Hall. The ceremony itself cost $150 and lasted all of three minutes. It was perfectly intimate and I cried throughout the entire thing.

Dozens of people get married at SF City Hall every day (it’s truly stunning) and that has always felt so special to me. The energy within City Hall on any given day always feels magical, and it was the only place we even considered getting married.

After the ceremony, we spent about an hour taking photos throughout City Hall, finding secret hallways and private elevators and running up and down the Rotunda steps while our photographer captured every moment.

The Photos

Prior to getting married, my husband and I had very few actual photos together. For whatever reason, when someone else would take a photo of us, the two people in the photo would end up looking like strangers. So finding the right photographer was a very crucial element of the wedding.

I have often felt that wedding photos feel a bit sterile and forced. There’s usually far too much posing and not enough movement, and we wanted someone who specialized in more documentary-style photography, as well as film.

I was so nervous about the photos, afraid that I’d see them afterwards and hate the way I looked or feel like the photos didn’t represent how I felt. But when I look at our wedding photos now, I see myself exactly as I want to be seen. They perfectly capture our relationship in its purest form.

We went with Jenna Opsahl because not only did she understand exactly what we were going for from our very first meeting, but she didn’t limit us in any way, including the number of photos she delivered, and the amount of time she spent with us. So much so that in between the post-ceremony activities and dinner, we all went back to our apartment and hung out while eating homemade chocolate chip cookies (that I had made the day before).

Ultimately, Jenna shot our wedding on multiple film and digital cameras, and took vintage polaroids throughout the day, which she not only scanned for our digital albums but also mailed us the physical copies a few weeks later. Jenna made us feel so comfortable in front of the camera and allowed us to fully be ourselves. I can not say enough good things about her and her work.

The Dinner

I loved the idea of being able to take over a restaurant for our reception. My husband and I spend approximately 40% of our time eating at restaurants in San Francisco, and we wanted a venue that felt similar in experience to going out to dinner with a group of our friends. We also wanted to ensure that the food was the best it could be, food that we would want to (and do) eat on a regular basis. We wanted to fully customize the reception, especially the menu, and a restaurant allowed us to do that in a way that a traditional wedding venue wouldn’t have.

Pasta Supply Co is both one of our favorite and most frequently-visited restaurants. Not only is the food fantastic, but it’s a place that feels like an extension of your own dining room table. We had considered and contacted a few other restaurants, but Pasta Supply was the only one who actually wanted to sit down with us face to face and plan out every detail of the reception together, actually getting to know who we are as people, rather than just dealing with everything over email.

The evening started with a snacks & drinks hour, which also included fresh carbonara made in, and served straight from, a giant parm wheel, 3D printed pastas, tonnato dip, and so many other delicious bites to enjoy while guests arrived.

Dinner was a family-style sit down meal for 23 people. We curated a very full menu of our favorite Pasta Supply dishes, including Sour Cream & Onion Burrata and five different pastas. Every table (and every guest) was full of food and at the end of the night the restaurant packed up all of the leftovers for guests to take home. We had a strawberries & cream sheet cake from Butter&, and Pasta Supply also served their signature Panna Cotta and Italian cookies for dessert.

The team went above and beyond for us and I will always be incredibly grateful for everything they did to make our wedding dinner as wonderful as it was. Every time we go back to Pasta Supply, not only do we get to eat our wedding meal on repeat whenever we want, but the staff treats us like VIPs and has on multiple occasions surprised us with drinks and extra plates of pasta.

Getting married is something you will (likely) only do once in your life. It’s a unique experience that can be whatever you want it to be. Whether you’re planning a wedding now or at some point in the future, remember that there are no rules. Your wedding can, and should be, a reflection of your true self. And if that looks like wearing a white dress, then do it, just make sure that you’re making that decision for yourself, not because someone else told you that you had to.

All photos in this post were take by Jenna Opsahl.

Author’s Note: This post contains affiliate links. While I may earn a small commission if you choose to purchase something after clicking one of those links, please know that all opinions and product curations are my own. Thank you for supporting my work!

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